Dreams

Big Dreams

Someone is chatting on phone for almost 4 hours…….discussing future , togetherness, life and its beauties…….4 years of stable relation……….creating another paradigm with Holy Matrimony………….new Platinum ring, diamond studded jewellery, new clothes, wedding planners, cards…….etc etc…………….

Never had a stable relation ……probably never will…………….. why do I feel incapable of providing……….why am I never the right one…………….why cant I ever be wanted the way they do and become a reason for someone’s happiness………… why is a great big question……………………………………..

I have my limitations……..never been able to be a reason for someone to feel good about……..i try….but maybe my trying is not enough…….or maybe my ways are never right…….i cannot make them laugh or maybe I can not make a difference enough so they snap out of a bad day’s effect.

I land up bothering them with my presence enough to make them hang up on me.

Today I feel envious of them who are lucky enough that they can bring smile and happiness of some loved one’s face….. Probably I shall be another sloppy past………………or maybe I may never have a chance to buy that diamond.

Iam scared of me…..……

Not that I make a mistake…… I probably am a mistake…………………………….

My epiphany is oblivious and I shall remain Oblivious epiphany……………………………….myself……………………………….

Been extremely selfish in last few days………

I started to think of a great good life for myself……….. Knowing its not possible…….. I forgot my son and my responsibilities towards him, I started to miss my work hours for my selfish self, I started to expect….EXPECT……………..a motherless child with a father not worth is wrath on me……but what to do…… I feel iam gonna cut myself again the way my past and time has taught me……….. I will never be able to bring happiness to him unless I kill mine……..iam selfish and that’s quite normal…………..

I am a jealous bastard who lands up destroying everything…………… I really need to get my act together for my son…..


Vipul needs to die if Rudraksha has to live……..

The breeze from the hills remind me of this world full of concrete hearts, millions of windows with millions of people….no hearts……. Sadness all around and no happy face………….

I am trying and I shall try to be able to be a minimal reason for someone’s smile……..
Randomness has taken my place and my existence…………not today but always….

Right or wrong…… good or bad…….. its taking my brain and sensibility for a fix…..

The feeling of being the one and yet no face at all is not quite a great feeling……..

I can never be the same vipul…..the new found me is worse………………….

I can never be my brother successful in his personal self……I cant be those happy people……….

As it was said once…. “Iam a sad man” and that I shall be ……

Eventually random hearts take my place…… they shall always do that…….forever…….

Rudraksha remains my reason…………I need to kill myself for him to survive…..and I shall do that………….. iam trying and nothing is working out………I need to and I cant…….my words don’t catch anyone’s fancy……my speech never did that either…..i am trying to search for my solace within my four walls……..my serenity remains in that scotch which I divorced long time back………..i need to have it back with me again………my Drink…..which did the job quite well…….

I am sick of understanding people………. I don’t wish to be ever understood either…………………

I feel sad and dis-oriented……….. I know it quite well………. It’s not anything else……just my human co-partners…..discovered that my ex-wife was stuffing mental illness tablets in my system……..at least she did something to me even it was hatred or murder………..at least if only someone hated me even…..iam unable to be anyone’s reason………..call it my Male fucking EGO or anything but whatever it is…..iam just dis-oriented……I know I am expecting from people to go out the way for me , but is that wrong ? don’t we want to feel loved and cared about……..

Iam sick of the epidemic called Human……or maybe the epidemic is me……

Yet again……