This is the End..... my only friend The End......

Theres a shadow just behind me. shrouding every step I take.Making every promise empty. pointing every finger at me.Waiting like a stalking butler, who upon the finger rests.Murder now the path of must we, just because the son has come.Jesus, won’t you fucking whistle. Something but the past and done.

I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile.I will only complicate you. trust in me and fall as well.I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave.I will work to elevate you, just enough to bring you down.

Mother Mary, won’t you whisper. Something but the past is done.

Why cant we not be sober. I just want to start things over.Why cant we sleep forever. I just want to start this over.

Eating out of the money provided by my parents……………..

Driving their paid car…………………

Fuelling in their petrol………………..

Living the life they gave me………………

Married the woman of their choice……………………..

Dying my own death…………………

I need to rescue Rudraksha…………………………………….

Detach myself from everything………………….

My so called found love is busy in her office working……………..

Or maybe scrapping her way to all possible attractive men she knows…

Who cares….

Aren’t we all just so FLAVOURS…………………….

The fact is “who the fuck am I”?

Where is VIPUL lost….

I know for sure I have been there for every single mother fucking soul I know……………and like you all even I feel the hunger to be cared about…………….to be the special one…………….to be wanted……….where are you all……….cant you see !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where are you my friend……………. Where are you GOD…………..pls help me God….pls…………………………………..


Where is me……

Iam sick of giving…………………..sick of lies………….sick of myself…………….and iam so coward that the END is just impossible………….

Replacable old white cotton shirt

yes we all are like our old rotten white cotton shirt.......we all have a life........

the shirt which fits us the best worns out quickly......the shirt which is itchy and unfit remains fresh and new......

i feeeeellll horrible............

people committ in a surreal way to you .................................. while you possible satisy only one aspect for them......... they voyering eyes are all over........ either i have lost it or whatever.............................................................................................................................................................

Fancy words.....Attractive Blogs......Intellectual Arseholes......one night stands.....

It’s so easy to get carried away.

Us emotional arseholes………

a little gesture of compassion not passion but compassion and we sell our souls…………………

Urgent need to visit my factory in Delhi…… I spent the last of saved money and buy a ticket ……… I reach my hometown and then my factory………in the meanwhile someone informs my Lawfully Wedded Wife with whom I am fighting a divorce case that I am in town and my where about…….

She reaches my factory with my 3.5 yr old son in shabby clothes and no slippers or shoes on him …….his head and body burning with fever…….

For the moment I forget the death term she had written for me and rush to our child doctor…………….

My son is suffering from TYPHOID………

I have 2000 rupees in my pocket and that’s it…… the money is spent on the fees and reports……. No money left for his medication…………… so I take refuge to my parents…………………………………………………………………………………
Only to realise that my son’s fever is deliberate………..

Someone wrote to me this morning that iam not that oblivious………. Damn how much people know of me whilst iam totally unaware of my own God – Damn Self…..

As of now iam numb……angry…….and alone in my self…….and iam liking this feeling…………………………………………………………………………………..

Last entire month I have been happy and the feeling of content started to creep into me for good……… making me forget the anguish and agony …………………….
I started to feel loved and cared by…………..i started to feel back again that I can do it again…… I can build my self back again and save my son from the scars he’s growing towards from……..

I had actually come to a point of belief that I can do any thing………………………

Only to realise that nothing lasts forever……. Iam a very unhappy person and I have somehow started to believe in this state of mind…..somehow it brought peace and solitude within my self…….somehow it kept me away from the scum known as Friends….Lovers…..well wishers…………. And I will defiantly am going to stick to this thought process…………

I am unable to provide for my son today……Good for nothing Father……………….

“A Bastard Son to a father and a bastard father to a son”

Iam broken somewhere and I cant fix it………..

They say love cures it all………… and I say love starts it all………………………..


What’s love……….. till the time you are giving in its love…..once u use a harsh word “check the love out then DUDE”…………………………………………………..

Instantly the love and affection takes a back seat and the chat on “ORKUT” gets a kick start……………………………………………….

How easy it has become to find love now days….. It cost u 25 bucks an hour…….

I was always in love……….. With my mom dad….with my brother with my friends and with my best friend……..

Iam still in love with all of them…

Only today iam just responsible for my SON……………… iam the reason for him to breathe this air………. And I have to do everything to provide him……….

Today I agree to myself that no more I shall wish for anything for myself as it takes me away from my duties and responsibilities…………………………………………

Anyways iam not wanted enough so nothing can possibly deviate me from my Responsibilities…..

From the angel eyes iam wanted…….. Iam JUST A BASTARD FATHER TO HIM…..


I will forget the physical and mental scars and emotional scars never happened as I possess no heart……

I don’t write Fancy words………

I don’t want an attractive blog………………....

Iam definitely not an INTELLECTUAL ARSEHOLE………………….

And i aint looking for a one night stand……………………………………………

I just so don’t BELONG TO THIS WORLD………………………………………

I want to cry and iam tired of crying alone…..

I don’t know the names of fancy artists or authors or books so I shall never have a real expensive love……………………………………………………
………………………..I want to BE and iam unable to BE……….i have lost my ~BEING ………………

Looking out from the window I see the world moving…………………someday the door shall open……………someday the breeze will calm me down….someday I shall see my SON happy and smiling in my arms………….and then I shall die in peace……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
My virtue and honour is my baby……………………………………………………..
I have to die to let him live……………………………………………………………

yet again i remember the truth someone told me some day......

"Vipul you are a very unhappy man"

"you are used"

"you are not the kind of man a girl can take home to her father"

“A BASTARD son to a Father……A BASTARD Father to a son”

Is subah ki koi shyam nahi,

Ke jab tera chehra phir se samne aaya,

Mere man ke har taar ko jhanjor diya ,

Ke jab teri aakhon ne phir kiya ghayal,

Daard phir se aasuon ko saath le aaya,

Ye bewafai ki daastan kya thi,

Humne kabhi tum pe na ilzam lagaya,

Simat gaye hum humin mein kutch is tarah,

Ke maut par bhi zaban per sirf tera naam aaya…

Sirf tera naam aaya………………………………

Revelations.......................................

Time:

One Factor which controls us mortals……...turning a king to beggar and vice versa…..

A rush of questions enters the tunnels in our brain…. Control and power is long lost…..sanity which worked out well suddenly plays a different note…

What seemed write once is crime now…… every action and word spoken defies our self….

A fear of disaster with every phone call……Doorbell stops your heartbeat…..

Blank as white sheet……scared of an outburst……like a virgin scared of her First Period….while staining the Whiteness of white……innocent not to know its Natural……yet remains fearful till she turns into a gothic Queen decorated with Black Patent leather, Black nail paints, Black mascara, her tears leaving a black trace down her cheeks making her look more Sexier for herself…… yet Tears are tears and they break her; hiding behind her DARK GOTHIC SELF she remains a scared Virgin…… not fearing her Periods anymore stuffs her up with cotton…..yet she bleeds with pain…..her surrounding and BEST FRIENDS know of her periods and ache….yet no one wants to see her blood…..IT DISGUSTS THEM…..

style shaved my stub today……. Looking in mirror turned my face like in them Advertisements……wore a black Tee and comfy pajamas……cleansed my face with scrubs and fancy products……..thought to give myself a pamper……a fresh glow dawned my face or was it the Golden glow of Yellow light from bulb…... fresh….let me rephrase it ….FRESHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!! That was expected….right?

All what vision, eyes provide me …. Moist eyes…. little reddish on that…… forced smile trying to be all Style Bhai !!!!! Nothing changed……. was a Bastard….. Shall Remain one………

Soft strings from Funkadelic “Maggot Brain” provide perfect acoustics ……. Dark skin against Black Tee-shirt….. Makes u look fairer…… a weird thought “with all my crimes there are larger crimes out there” what a metaphor for Dark skin and black Tee!!!!!! I smile like a Lunatic…. Or hey a psychotic Poodle……

A conspiracy to murder ; FAILED….. Not once but twice…….. Heard rumors yet again A Perfect Murder is planned…… Quest to protect is Gone ….lost somewhere…..for whom……does this life matters to anyone….remaining a pawn in hands of them who think they control thy soul….cause u show them u love them…..yet every time that phone rings the true sentiment of a Possible fluke or “Bastardship” Greets u with “Good Morning”…..


There is no wish to put an end to breath……..no wish to see them veins spurting blood………surviving today to Live tomorrow……. Taking Blows today to get healed tomorrow…… being hated today to be loved tomorrow…..


Yet wish to be introduced again………..

Yet long to Breath next to someone’s ears…..
Her neck smelling of her skin…..moist skin …. Sweat beads smoothing up my skin too…..
yet long to Drive the Black Serpent with fingers entangled with hers……
yet wish to see someone smile tearfully looking at that Rose when she opens her door.
Yet want to wear my Apron again and brew Coffee with to die for Breakfast …. Waking her up with a slight blow in her ears…… saying “Good Morning Angel;
yet wish to stare at the window holding her from her waist…….see the morning from her eyes…….
yet wish to Propose her in the middle of the Sky surrounded by clouds……. Tell her I want to Grow old with her………
yes wish to Kiss her beneath that Mistletoe…..to walk that threshold…… to see happiness and content in her eyes……. To see her dreams come true…… to hear her sing and sing to her…… to love her….. and to be loved……..to Become Us just Us……

Yes wish to Live Again………..


have a son who is son to a bastard Father……..and am Father to a bastard son……

laxman da dhaba

So she took her love for to gaze a while upon the fields of barley; in my arms she fell as her hair fell down among the fields of gold…….will u still love me will you be my love ….among the fields of barley ; we’ll forget the sun in his jealous sky among the fields of Gold……………………………

Mind Freaking experiences since last few days……..


Awakening of a feeling which had Died for almost years and years…………


No reason and no sense…….yet so livid, lucid, and oblivious and Beautiful…….


Someone who just happened to become an important part of me said “vipul you are weird, u look like a psycho…..u don’t attract psycho’s as you are one”


Someone who used to be very important to me and probably I loved to the core told me this year starting “Vipul you are not the kind of man someone can take home to….. You are used and you have a son”



As of now and since years back all I managed to do is laugh it off………. It doesn’t bother me anymore as the fact of Human selfless love is obsolete for my used soul.


The feeling of a constant mind fuck forces me to believe that iam unwanted…..


People with whom I don’t have a “being in love connection” accuse me of having it and using them…..


People with whom I feel a “being in something” connection don’t wish that from me or with me…………..


Is my Divorce a taboo which inflicts its plague on me ever since I have learnt about it?


Or am I a real living breathing PSYCHO?


Or am I yet another VAMPIRE who lives in the night and burns in the sun……….


I have a purpose and I have to accomplish that………. My Son is my life and soul…….. No hopes of any one accompanying this life and no hopes of any possible Love………….or companionship……… yet my hearts waits for thee………….


One day the sun shall shine again I know of that……one day someone will be my sun I know of that………. Would that day be in my next birth……… would I have a next birth anyways?


Scarred face/ scarred body/ scarred soul……yet not demented …..Yet not dead……yet the instinct is 100 folds…..


Iam the Phoenix…..


Burn me and I shall live again…………

Hallelujah

Amazed to be back……..

Rejuvenated, full of spirit…….

Realizations and Truths surfacing the weak brain cells pumping in blood full of pure red….

While the Stars lay in their own way I fight them with God………

maybe victory just saw me in the crowd off lately….

and yet the Self lost somewhere……

Someone sent me a piece of art which now has added to the lost composure already slipping like sand……..

Demons “Good morning”

memories “flash back” ,

Anguish “Hello”…….



Hallelujah….by Jeff Buckley….


“There was a time when you let me knowWhat's really going on belowBut now you never show that to me do yaBut remember when I moved in youAnd the holy dove was moving tooAnd every breath we drew was HallelujahWell, maybe there's a God aboveBut all I've ever learned from loveWas how to shoot somebody who outdrew yaIt's not a cry that you hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah”



Just as when things started to look better Ghosts appeared...



Tears moist the traded skin,

a sudden rush from the back doors fill in heart’s room with all dust and scratches…….
head turns sideways blowing hair cover eyes, blocking Vision …….
Red nerves bulge out in small eyes and white turns yellow ……..
warm drop rolls down……..

Just this morning yet a revelation took place……… just another call from Reality or so to say “Reality check”……………….

Will this ever stop………. Destiny is destined and Karma is ours……… who is to be hanged….. “Leaders are like Eagles …they fly alone” once my Hallelujah said ……you r wrong……… and again the storm from the Back doors reminded how right I was……

What I never understood…..


A long drive for you is an excursion; an long drive for me is escapism;

Laughter for you is happiness; laughter for me is hiding Agony;

A statement from you is decision; statement from me is juvenile;

A relation of you is sacred; a relation of me is sacrifice;

A smile from you to me is caring; a smile from me to you selfish;

Food you give me is Love; while what I cook is in return;

Your lies are innocence; mine Earthquake;

Your blood is red; my blood is white;

You get hurt; while Iam Smiling;



“Baby I've been here beforeI've seen this room and I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew yaI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah”


Hallelujah !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!