If i could

Who am I?

Shut up!!!!!!

I want to shout and let myself out!!!

Who the fuck is you to do that?

Iam nobody……….iam here to answer your quarries…..iam here to hear you lash out………iam here to process my job but listen to you accusing me every time…..

Not this time …..Since long long years back…….i couldn’t speak then and I cant speak now……..i suck in so u can speak out………when shall I have anyone top hear me ? When shall I have anyone to comfort me……….when shall I have anyone to take my lashing ………NEVER and NO ONE.

Iam trying and I will try ….that’s what I have come to learn in due course of time…..iam dependent on everyone’s approvals, that’s what my virtue is……. Being questioned by nobody’s has become my Prerogative,

I don’t know how long will it go…… I surely don’t have the character to speak in front of them people……… I just lift up my bags once and for all and walk out……….iam holding till now……. I have walked out once……….but I guess it never mattered………. I did land up back again ….not for myself and My GOD knows not for me……..but then the situation plays us and DO us in the most unnatural positions don’t they?

I honestly confess…….. I do lay myself up for anyone who is important in my life…….and one thing I beg and need from them is RESPECT for me……….i never had it and I never will get it……….people who are full of attitude are the one’s perpetually surrounded by people like me respecting them as people like me don’t want other’s to feel bad…….but then people like me never ever get respect……or maybe I am the people and iam the masses without any name or without any value……

Iam a worker who will eventually do what it takes to make his bosses smile to be thrown a wad of currency notes at him and smile………….. and then I shall be asked what’s my real worth…………

Money : the most amazing bitch is money….it makes the world o round and round…..it takes you and breaks you……it provides you pleasure’s which cost you a lot and at times your own self………I had it al….. I lost it all…..i paid then ….and iam paying now……..i was “The” son and iam “the” son now…………only the caps have gone away……iam replaced with fresh happiness…………. Iam replaced with new life……….iam totally replaced……..the onion peal which protects the onion till the time it’s suppose to be consumed……….the peal is cut off and thrown away…………….

Iam sick and tired….sick of taking attitude …..Sick of being asked a million unwanted questions which rip me off my SELF……….. Iam feeling that any day this out burst is going to take place……….why should I be scared of this outburst………..if these so called important people really cared for me they would not throw their harsh words on me……knowing that I will take it without even speaking back…….. Today has just pushed me slightly towards my breakdown mode………….

I am going to refrain myself from involving myself in people who I really love or I have relationship with……………

I know I shall never have what I need……..i know I shall never know what I WANT……

But I do know that iam living for a reason which I can’t even touch…………..

The reason is costing my life……………

BUT IT’S WORTH IT……….

If only I could be a reason enough……………..

Mad World

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dyingAre the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell youI find it hard to take
When people run in circlesIt's a very, veryMad World Mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child shouldSit and listen,
sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me,
look right through me
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell youI find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, veryMad World
Mad World
Enlarging your world Mad World.

one and a half hour of drive…….started at 8.50 am ………. Million thoughts and emotions…….. don’t know where this life is taking me.........tears non stop roll down my face…………feelings of disillusion slapping my face….

Got a call from my Home town……..my ex wife had beaten up my 3 and a half year old son and my father had to rush to save him……..he cried all night……. So did my father…….. The old man is helpless as his child is...….as my child is……..

Yesterday night has changed a lot for what I don’t know…..but it surely has……
All this while I had been under a major guilt but no more……. I have had been hearing blame and people I love and care accusing me all the time, but no more…..

In my own head Iam EVEN with my guilt today……. And Iam no more going to be or feel guilty of nothing……. Something last night has changed it all…….

Iam not going to take any shit anymore from anyone…….
Iam going to speak out as I realized that keeping shut only to make a situation clam never worked……

If people who love me realize my worth or value me then Iam there…..or else ADIOS……”never to meet again”

I don’t want any fucking MELODRAMA in my life anymore……
I won’t hear any non-sense from anyone anymore……

I have cared enough….if it doesn’t make any difference to anyone then it’s their fucking problem……

I won’t stop my associations with people whom I know just to give priority to any particular individual…….

I will never let any single person be a priority for me other then my son……..

I shall never ever discuss my past with anyone as no one is really worth it…….

No more conversation regarding my future as that is so fucking OBSOLETE…..

These people speak of regard who don’t know the meaning of it…….

If I can understand their fucking problems then why can’t they do it while fucking promising the world to me……..

I have never understood these people and surely I don’t wish to anymore……..

Invisible

Blame game , blame Game, blame game.......

Multiple Relations

someone asked me today "Vipul are multiple relations at the same time possible"

i asked him in what intensity.... it depends.....you can be in love with many people at the same time;

he said...no iam talking in respect that "i love my wife" and we have very good relation together. but at the same time i have an employee working in my office with whom i have a sexual relation since almost 2 years.....

hmmmmm so is that your wife is not being able to provide that part of a relation well?

not exactly true vipul.....its that that i really am attracted to this woman in my office and i dont feel anything other then sexual attraction with her and its similar with her;

so u mean you both just lay down on that fuckin office table and hump and grind and that's the end of story...right?

ofcourse we also are good friends and we understand each other well.

so u mean to say u r friends "Good friends" with her and you are fucking each other and there is no other feeling ? i mean if tomorrow if she finds another partner will it be okay with you...?

i wouldnt like it ofcourse.....cummon yaar you know how it is dont you?

no i dont know how it is.... as i dont indulge in multiple partners or lovers....... anyhow its your life and if you believe its ok then Great..........but theni know that you have much more in stock then just this , shoot your bastard and let the flow continue.....:)

ok.......i have couple of these online pals on facebook and Blog partners.....actually Vipul i never did this earlier but somehow i enjoy this...... and the problem is that i have around these 7-8 girls of all ages and i feel the same thing for all of them....... one is infact 48 years old and then there are like 22, 16, one is i guess 34 or 35 somethng.... i love chatting up with all of them ;

ok Great that's a news.....

why is it a news.....

continue....i shall speak later.....

nothing much yaar...its just i like being with all of them and iam sleeping with all of them......

ok how do you manage to sleep with all of them....i mean do u select that all the women you find should only be initiated if their mental state allows them to have a sexual relation with you?

actually yes........or else why would i waste my time with them....but it dosent mean that i dont love them.....you see i share a different self of mine with each of them....... like the girl in collage reminds me of my collage days.....and i do exactly the same things with her the way it was in collage....one is a journalist and i speak a lot of philosophy with her and our conversation can be of anything to everything....so it tingles my intellect self "phewwwwwwwww"

ok....... and how do you impress his philasopical dame dude...... what i know of you u cant differentiate a fucking cat from a horse........

ha ha ha arre bhai its easy........just leave a nice note on their profile or blog and if they reply its good or else there's always a next page........

ok................hmmmmmmmmmmm so do u have a blog yourself.....

no..... but tell me boss what do you think....am i wrong in feeling love with all of them at the same time, like i read it somewhere that its very natural to be in multiple relations at the same time .... "tu bata.........tereko kya lagta hai"

dekh boss iam in office so i will make it short and talk to u in the evening or in Delhi......but in short i believe that if iam in love with someone i shall be only in love with her and i wont have the similar feelings for anyone else...... i can definatly have a great close friend but i wont initiate any further new relation like the one's u have ....... checking out profiles or blogs or whatever these stupid systems provide.......infact i feel that even if someone is not of the same thought process these things help in fucking a great relation into shit and with the easyness in the

Confused

I have never been able to understand that is it me or is it my "BRAIN" which is Fucked.....that too "ROYALLY".

whatever i say with good intentions will always be taken in a negative way ensuring a difference in opinion........

iam unable to understand and i am fearing that iam unable to handle this regular communication error.......

what should i do to work it out right.........

??????????????????

Vision.................Virtue

“Do not dwell in the past; do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our
World”

Clear the clutter Vipul;
Make peace with your past;
Unless the past is dealt with properly the Present and Future will never be beautiful;
No more I want to be there for people who don’t value me;
No more Iam going to fuck my present with issues which I have pushed under the carpet;
My problem is I don’t know how to handle myself;
I don’t know where Iam going;
People walk into my life and walk out at their own whims and fancy;
I always wish to be with people, who would understand me and that’s, what Iam will stick to now;
Iam through with being the EAR and Mirror for everyone while I never receive anything close to acknowledgement for it;
I wish to do exactly what I wish to do and how I wish to do;
For more than 10 years the hunger and need for companionship has taken my peace away, tried giving in to best of my capabilities and things never worked out, guess the reason was that I never received much back. Isn’t life and relations like give and take? Then why is it that I keep my mouth shut and never able to speak what I truly feel and where what I don’t approve off;
I would give in to a situation to go away from a possible confrontation as I am scared of people walking out eventually leading to a volcano eruption throwing out LAVA leading to a complete CATSTROPHY ;
Why can’t I ever speak my mind in open and put my foot down;
Why am I so scared of letting my emotions and feeling out on the table and let the feeling of someone staying or leaving Go Off;
Why don’t I realize that eventually if someone stays with me would be because they accept me the way Iam and if they choose to pack their bags then they were never right for me?
Why is it so difficult to face that Courtroom Drama when I have faced worst?
Never ever I shall show my weakness in front of people….who make me feel cheap;

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned.”

My life is no more my life……..my choice of family and friends are gonna be those with whom I think my son will be happy………anyone with whom I feel there is gonna be a bad vibe sorta thing towards my SON is out…..
I need to break free from the chains I have been drowning with now……unless I do that I shall never be able to clear my head and my fears are going to kill my present and future as well..
I shall give in my best for anything…….but if I don’t see a proper reciprocation I will not be there……enough of being around and taking crap…..
I won’t give shit and I definitely not gonna take it anymore……
Iam the way Iam…..tried changing it for everyone’s preference…..but no more…..if Iam stupid and childlike for someone, then I am that….so SUE me Fuckers…..
If my ways are too selfish and self related then it’s gonna be the same…….
My ways will only be mended if they are wrong for people I love and care about but that too in limits……
If I can’t be happy I cannot make anyone happy….and now is the time for the change…..i am gonna put a complete end to all non sense in my life once and for all……for this I need to re-gear myself up and face every issue from past in person and Get it out of my system forever………..
I need to rise above the miniscule things in life…..and rise up to life itself……………

Poles Apart

Did you know...

it was all going to go so wrong for you,

And did you see it was all going to be so right for me

Why did we tell you then

You were always the golden boy then

And that you'd never lose that light in your eyes

Hey you...

did you ever realise what you'd become

And did you see

that it wasn't only me

you were running from

Did you know all the time but it

never bothered you anyway

Leading the blind while I stared out the steel in your eyes

The rain fell slow,

down on all the roofs of uncertainty

I thought of you

and

the years and all the sadness fell away from me

And did you know...I never thought that you'd lose that light in your eyes...................................

The song haunts me through and through.............Another pink floyd's "Poles Apart"

Uncertainity is a pleague ;

Committment is a hunter ;

Association is Not so BLISS ;

Control is Freak ;

Freak is control ;

I have said again and again ..... iam SICK of understanding people........

I always land up realisation that "I" could never be a priority.........

I wish someday i wil be a Priority......

If i can keep myself Selfless.....may be i will be treated the same way too !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!