life has a million ways to show up out of the blue.......... today i have changed something about myself for "US"....... today i realised that i have a capacity to take yet another chance with my life.
today i realised that happiness is a state of mind and if i want i can change it.....
today iam a part of a little chit chat where i find my prespective changed completely........
i am feeling great about how lucky iam to have a bunch of great souls around me.
iam feeling honoured and loved and cared by the Missing piece of me........
yesterday was a turning point for a lot of reasons.....
iam gonna change the oracle's statement and i shall do something which i have never done.....
i need all the best wishes of all who love me.....and blessings of My best friend "GOD"
as a good ol' Punjabi dude from my city would say
"Chak-De- Phatte"
Friday, August 31, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Catastrophy
I always will be a Catastrophy.......................................
only if i went to a good ENGLISH LITERET EDUCATION...............
only if i had read Great Books.....
Only if i had heard my Dad always after me to study........
i shall thank myself......... i shall make my self happy..........i shall highlight my name for my self.......
only if i went to a good ENGLISH LITERET EDUCATION...............
only if i had read Great Books.....
Only if i had heard my Dad always after me to study........
i shall thank myself......... i shall make my self happy..........i shall highlight my name for my self.......
Mindless Fuck....... nobody's BUM
i ve been shouting since morning on every body....... just blasted my agent off....... i am not liking myself...........
i just now while typing just blasted another person........
i have been outcast and iam not liking that.....
i am going back in my shell....
i will go back in my shell............
it feels good there......
it is a life i like.......... no smiles........no happiness.....just living the life as a ghost......... this is what i need..........................
i just now while typing just blasted another person........
i have been outcast and iam not liking that.....
i am going back in my shell....
i will go back in my shell............
it feels good there......
it is a life i like.......... no smiles........no happiness.....just living the life as a ghost......... this is what i need..........................
Random Visitors
Off lately i realised that slowly and slowly my existence is diminishing from the place where i once thought it shall remain........................................ new names and new expressions have replaced this Delhiet.................
as usual........
as usual........
Dreams
Big Dreams
Someone is chatting on phone for almost 4 hours…….discussing future , togetherness, life and its beauties…….4 years of stable relation……….creating another paradigm with Holy Matrimony………….new Platinum ring, diamond studded jewellery, new clothes, wedding planners, cards…….etc etc…………….
Never had a stable relation ……probably never will…………….. why do I feel incapable of providing……….why am I never the right one…………….why cant I ever be wanted the way they do and become a reason for someone’s happiness………… why is a great big question……………………………………..
I have my limitations……..never been able to be a reason for someone to feel good about……..i try….but maybe my trying is not enough…….or maybe my ways are never right…….i cannot make them laugh or maybe I can not make a difference enough so they snap out of a bad day’s effect.
I land up bothering them with my presence enough to make them hang up on me.
Today I feel envious of them who are lucky enough that they can bring smile and happiness of some loved one’s face….. Probably I shall be another sloppy past………………or maybe I may never have a chance to buy that diamond.
Iam scared of me…..……
Not that I make a mistake…… I probably am a mistake…………………………….
My epiphany is oblivious and I shall remain Oblivious epiphany……………………………….myself……………………………….
Been extremely selfish in last few days………
I started to think of a great good life for myself……….. Knowing its not possible…….. I forgot my son and my responsibilities towards him, I started to miss my work hours for my selfish self, I started to expect….EXPECT……………..a motherless child with a father not worth is wrath on me……but what to do…… I feel iam gonna cut myself again the way my past and time has taught me……….. I will never be able to bring happiness to him unless I kill mine……..iam selfish and that’s quite normal…………..
I am a jealous bastard who lands up destroying everything…………… I really need to get my act together for my son…..
Vipul needs to die if Rudraksha has to live……..
The breeze from the hills remind me of this world full of concrete hearts, millions of windows with millions of people….no hearts……. Sadness all around and no happy face………….
I am trying and I shall try to be able to be a minimal reason for someone’s smile……..
Randomness has taken my place and my existence…………not today but always….
Right or wrong…… good or bad…….. its taking my brain and sensibility for a fix…..
The feeling of being the one and yet no face at all is not quite a great feeling……..
I can never be the same vipul…..the new found me is worse………………….
I can never be my brother successful in his personal self……I cant be those happy people……….
As it was said once…. “Iam a sad man” and that I shall be ……
Eventually random hearts take my place…… they shall always do that…….forever…….
Rudraksha remains my reason…………I need to kill myself for him to survive…..and I shall do that………….. iam trying and nothing is working out………I need to and I cant…….my words don’t catch anyone’s fancy……my speech never did that either…..i am trying to search for my solace within my four walls……..my serenity remains in that scotch which I divorced long time back………..i need to have it back with me again………my Drink…..which did the job quite well…….
I am sick of understanding people………. I don’t wish to be ever understood either…………………
I feel sad and dis-oriented……….. I know it quite well………. It’s not anything else……just my human co-partners…..discovered that my ex-wife was stuffing mental illness tablets in my system……..at least she did something to me even it was hatred or murder………..at least if only someone hated me even…..iam unable to be anyone’s reason………..call it my Male fucking EGO or anything but whatever it is…..iam just dis-oriented……I know I am expecting from people to go out the way for me , but is that wrong ? don’t we want to feel loved and cared about……..
Iam sick of the epidemic called Human……or maybe the epidemic is me……
Yet again……
Someone is chatting on phone for almost 4 hours…….discussing future , togetherness, life and its beauties…….4 years of stable relation……….creating another paradigm with Holy Matrimony………….new Platinum ring, diamond studded jewellery, new clothes, wedding planners, cards…….etc etc…………….
Never had a stable relation ……probably never will…………….. why do I feel incapable of providing……….why am I never the right one…………….why cant I ever be wanted the way they do and become a reason for someone’s happiness………… why is a great big question……………………………………..
I have my limitations……..never been able to be a reason for someone to feel good about……..i try….but maybe my trying is not enough…….or maybe my ways are never right…….i cannot make them laugh or maybe I can not make a difference enough so they snap out of a bad day’s effect.
I land up bothering them with my presence enough to make them hang up on me.
Today I feel envious of them who are lucky enough that they can bring smile and happiness of some loved one’s face….. Probably I shall be another sloppy past………………or maybe I may never have a chance to buy that diamond.
Iam scared of me…..……
Not that I make a mistake…… I probably am a mistake…………………………….
My epiphany is oblivious and I shall remain Oblivious epiphany……………………………….myself……………………………….
Been extremely selfish in last few days………
I started to think of a great good life for myself……….. Knowing its not possible…….. I forgot my son and my responsibilities towards him, I started to miss my work hours for my selfish self, I started to expect….EXPECT……………..a motherless child with a father not worth is wrath on me……but what to do…… I feel iam gonna cut myself again the way my past and time has taught me……….. I will never be able to bring happiness to him unless I kill mine……..iam selfish and that’s quite normal…………..
I am a jealous bastard who lands up destroying everything…………… I really need to get my act together for my son…..
Vipul needs to die if Rudraksha has to live……..
The breeze from the hills remind me of this world full of concrete hearts, millions of windows with millions of people….no hearts……. Sadness all around and no happy face………….
I am trying and I shall try to be able to be a minimal reason for someone’s smile……..
Randomness has taken my place and my existence…………not today but always….
Right or wrong…… good or bad…….. its taking my brain and sensibility for a fix…..
The feeling of being the one and yet no face at all is not quite a great feeling……..
I can never be the same vipul…..the new found me is worse………………….
I can never be my brother successful in his personal self……I cant be those happy people……….
As it was said once…. “Iam a sad man” and that I shall be ……
Eventually random hearts take my place…… they shall always do that…….forever…….
Rudraksha remains my reason…………I need to kill myself for him to survive…..and I shall do that………….. iam trying and nothing is working out………I need to and I cant…….my words don’t catch anyone’s fancy……my speech never did that either…..i am trying to search for my solace within my four walls……..my serenity remains in that scotch which I divorced long time back………..i need to have it back with me again………my Drink…..which did the job quite well…….
I am sick of understanding people………. I don’t wish to be ever understood either…………………
I feel sad and dis-oriented……….. I know it quite well………. It’s not anything else……just my human co-partners…..discovered that my ex-wife was stuffing mental illness tablets in my system……..at least she did something to me even it was hatred or murder………..at least if only someone hated me even…..iam unable to be anyone’s reason………..call it my Male fucking EGO or anything but whatever it is…..iam just dis-oriented……I know I am expecting from people to go out the way for me , but is that wrong ? don’t we want to feel loved and cared about……..
Iam sick of the epidemic called Human……or maybe the epidemic is me……
Yet again……
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Self Indulgence
i just realised that i have a great ccapacity to destroy everything around me.......
orphanage
why am i scared ????????????????/// iam sorry vin..... i couldnt complete the task u gave me............
my mind is not working bhai.........
the problem is the fear........ i have been brought up in a fearfull atmosphere....all my childhood i have been living in fear............ and this fear stops me everytime i want to do something.......i still look for approvals......... hence as i said previously...... iam nobody.......one of my friends said....you have broken the chain we people are still trying to .........she is so wrong........iam still chained......and iam nobody to break.......iam too weak today............... iam so weak today............. i will eventually destroy everysingle thing my people have worked for.....why did i even took birth........i never asked.............probably if they would've picked up a child from Orphanage it would've been better..........................................
my mind is not working bhai.........
the problem is the fear........ i have been brought up in a fearfull atmosphere....all my childhood i have been living in fear............ and this fear stops me everytime i want to do something.......i still look for approvals......... hence as i said previously...... iam nobody.......one of my friends said....you have broken the chain we people are still trying to .........she is so wrong........iam still chained......and iam nobody to break.......iam too weak today............... iam so weak today............. i will eventually destroy everysingle thing my people have worked for.....why did i even took birth........i never asked.............probably if they would've picked up a child from Orphanage it would've been better..........................................
Devil..............................
not worth any thing............................. i cant handle relations.......................i cant handle my personal self......i cant handle my professional self....................... iam such a looser.........................my chest feels heavy............................i hear strange shouts in my ear..............
my vision is blurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr................................................i make people run away................iam the horror..........................the horror movie which is watched for inquisitiveness but it scares you......................................iam the Devil for who all are near and dear..................... stay away from me..........................................
my vision is blurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr................................................i make people run away................iam the horror..........................the horror movie which is watched for inquisitiveness but it scares you......................................iam the Devil for who all are near and dear..................... stay away from me..........................................
Room with a view
Wellhe used to be a tailor,
Sewed those suits so fine
And he never heard a failure
And he never tasted wine.
And he used to be a leader
When he had someone to lead
And he used to be a father
When he had some mouths to feed
When he had some mouths to feed
And they say it never rains in L.A. county
But it gets cold enough to wish you had a few
And he laughs tonight and says:
I finally found me -A room with a view - how about you?
He was living in a castle that built with his own hands
Out of newspaper and cardboard he was living off the land
He was living off the landhe was living off the land
i miss my brother...........
miss you vasu....................... you have been the only true friend and brother...................... least i know you shall be there forever.................... least iam not an interesting profile or just another time pass...............................................................................................................for you.............. iam your brother.....and i shall be the only one in your life as a brother.........................
ha ha ha ha !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Think straight………….. I cant,
Think right………………. What’s right,
Give in ………………… give out,
Live in ………………….live out,
Survive ……………….. exist,
Provide……………….. I beg,
Steroid…………………. I am,
Greif…………………….. I swallow,
Honour ……………………….. too shallow,
Timeless………………………….. time lapse,
Intellect ……………………. Forget !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Work……………………… dismay,
Sadness ……………………… Room mate,
Virtue ………………………. Lost,
Self ……………………… Ghost,
Iam ………………………… nothing,
Nothing ……………………… ha ha ha ha ha ;
Think right………………. What’s right,
Give in ………………… give out,
Live in ………………….live out,
Survive ……………….. exist,
Provide……………….. I beg,
Steroid…………………. I am,
Greif…………………….. I swallow,
Honour ……………………….. too shallow,
Timeless………………………….. time lapse,
Intellect ……………………. Forget !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Work……………………… dismay,
Sadness ……………………… Room mate,
Virtue ………………………. Lost,
Self ……………………… Ghost,
Iam ………………………… nothing,
Nothing ……………………… ha ha ha ha ha ;
This is the End..... my only friend The End......
Theres a shadow just behind me. shrouding every step I take.Making every promise empty. pointing every finger at me.Waiting like a stalking butler, who upon the finger rests.Murder now the path of must we, just because the son has come.Jesus, won’t you fucking whistle. Something but the past and done.
I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile.I will only complicate you. trust in me and fall as well.I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave.I will work to elevate you, just enough to bring you down.
Mother Mary, won’t you whisper. Something but the past is done.
Why cant we not be sober. I just want to start things over.Why cant we sleep forever. I just want to start this over.
Eating out of the money provided by my parents……………..
Driving their paid car…………………
Fuelling in their petrol………………..
Living the life they gave me………………
Married the woman of their choice……………………..
Dying my own death…………………
I need to rescue Rudraksha…………………………………….
Detach myself from everything………………….
My so called found love is busy in her office working……………..
Or maybe scrapping her way to all possible attractive men she knows…
Who cares….
Aren’t we all just so FLAVOURS…………………….
The fact is “who the fuck am I”?
Where is VIPUL lost….
I know for sure I have been there for every single mother fucking soul I know……………and like you all even I feel the hunger to be cared about…………….to be the special one…………….to be wanted……….where are you all……….cant you see !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where are you my friend……………. Where are you GOD…………..pls help me God….pls…………………………………..
Where is me……
Iam sick of giving…………………..sick of lies………….sick of myself…………….and iam so coward that the END is just impossible………….
I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile.I will only complicate you. trust in me and fall as well.I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave.I will work to elevate you, just enough to bring you down.
Mother Mary, won’t you whisper. Something but the past is done.
Why cant we not be sober. I just want to start things over.Why cant we sleep forever. I just want to start this over.
Eating out of the money provided by my parents……………..
Driving their paid car…………………
Fuelling in their petrol………………..
Living the life they gave me………………
Married the woman of their choice……………………..
Dying my own death…………………
I need to rescue Rudraksha…………………………………….
Detach myself from everything………………….
My so called found love is busy in her office working……………..
Or maybe scrapping her way to all possible attractive men she knows…
Who cares….
Aren’t we all just so FLAVOURS…………………….
The fact is “who the fuck am I”?
Where is VIPUL lost….
I know for sure I have been there for every single mother fucking soul I know……………and like you all even I feel the hunger to be cared about…………….to be the special one…………….to be wanted……….where are you all……….cant you see !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where are you my friend……………. Where are you GOD…………..pls help me God….pls…………………………………..
Where is me……
Iam sick of giving…………………..sick of lies………….sick of myself…………….and iam so coward that the END is just impossible………….
Replacable old white cotton shirt
yes we all are like our old rotten white cotton shirt.......we all have a life........
the shirt which fits us the best worns out quickly......the shirt which is itchy and unfit remains fresh and new......
i feeeeellll horrible............
people committ in a surreal way to you .................................. while you possible satisy only one aspect for them......... they voyering eyes are all over........ either i have lost it or whatever.............................................................................................................................................................
the shirt which fits us the best worns out quickly......the shirt which is itchy and unfit remains fresh and new......
i feeeeellll horrible............
people committ in a surreal way to you .................................. while you possible satisy only one aspect for them......... they voyering eyes are all over........ either i have lost it or whatever.............................................................................................................................................................
Fancy words.....Attractive Blogs......Intellectual Arseholes......one night stands.....
It’s so easy to get carried away.
Us emotional arseholes………
a little gesture of compassion not passion but compassion and we sell our souls…………………
Urgent need to visit my factory in Delhi…… I spent the last of saved money and buy a ticket ……… I reach my hometown and then my factory………in the meanwhile someone informs my Lawfully Wedded Wife with whom I am fighting a divorce case that I am in town and my where about…….
She reaches my factory with my 3.5 yr old son in shabby clothes and no slippers or shoes on him …….his head and body burning with fever…….
For the moment I forget the death term she had written for me and rush to our child doctor…………….
My son is suffering from TYPHOID………
I have 2000 rupees in my pocket and that’s it…… the money is spent on the fees and reports……. No money left for his medication…………… so I take refuge to my parents…………………………………………………………………………………
Only to realise that my son’s fever is deliberate………..
Someone wrote to me this morning that iam not that oblivious………. Damn how much people know of me whilst iam totally unaware of my own God – Damn Self…..
As of now iam numb……angry…….and alone in my self…….and iam liking this feeling…………………………………………………………………………………..
Last entire month I have been happy and the feeling of content started to creep into me for good……… making me forget the anguish and agony …………………….
I started to feel loved and cared by…………..i started to feel back again that I can do it again…… I can build my self back again and save my son from the scars he’s growing towards from……..
I had actually come to a point of belief that I can do any thing………………………
Only to realise that nothing lasts forever……. Iam a very unhappy person and I have somehow started to believe in this state of mind…..somehow it brought peace and solitude within my self…….somehow it kept me away from the scum known as Friends….Lovers…..well wishers…………. And I will defiantly am going to stick to this thought process…………
I am unable to provide for my son today……Good for nothing Father……………….
“A Bastard Son to a father and a bastard father to a son”
Iam broken somewhere and I cant fix it………..
They say love cures it all………… and I say love starts it all………………………..
What’s love……….. till the time you are giving in its love…..once u use a harsh word “check the love out then DUDE”…………………………………………………..
Instantly the love and affection takes a back seat and the chat on “ORKUT” gets a kick start……………………………………………….
How easy it has become to find love now days….. It cost u 25 bucks an hour…….
I was always in love……….. With my mom dad….with my brother with my friends and with my best friend……..
Iam still in love with all of them…
Only today iam just responsible for my SON……………… iam the reason for him to breathe this air………. And I have to do everything to provide him……….
Today I agree to myself that no more I shall wish for anything for myself as it takes me away from my duties and responsibilities…………………………………………
Anyways iam not wanted enough so nothing can possibly deviate me from my Responsibilities…..
From the angel eyes iam wanted…….. Iam JUST A BASTARD FATHER TO HIM…..
I will forget the physical and mental scars and emotional scars never happened as I possess no heart……
I don’t write Fancy words………
I don’t want an attractive blog………………....
Iam definitely not an INTELLECTUAL ARSEHOLE………………….
And i aint looking for a one night stand……………………………………………
I just so don’t BELONG TO THIS WORLD………………………………………
Urgent need to visit my factory in Delhi…… I spent the last of saved money and buy a ticket ……… I reach my hometown and then my factory………in the meanwhile someone informs my Lawfully Wedded Wife with whom I am fighting a divorce case that I am in town and my where about…….
She reaches my factory with my 3.5 yr old son in shabby clothes and no slippers or shoes on him …….his head and body burning with fever…….
For the moment I forget the death term she had written for me and rush to our child doctor…………….
My son is suffering from TYPHOID………
I have 2000 rupees in my pocket and that’s it…… the money is spent on the fees and reports……. No money left for his medication…………… so I take refuge to my parents…………………………………………………………………………………
Only to realise that my son’s fever is deliberate………..
Someone wrote to me this morning that iam not that oblivious………. Damn how much people know of me whilst iam totally unaware of my own God – Damn Self…..
As of now iam numb……angry…….and alone in my self…….and iam liking this feeling…………………………………………………………………………………..
Last entire month I have been happy and the feeling of content started to creep into me for good……… making me forget the anguish and agony …………………….
I started to feel loved and cared by…………..i started to feel back again that I can do it again…… I can build my self back again and save my son from the scars he’s growing towards from……..
I had actually come to a point of belief that I can do any thing………………………
Only to realise that nothing lasts forever……. Iam a very unhappy person and I have somehow started to believe in this state of mind…..somehow it brought peace and solitude within my self…….somehow it kept me away from the scum known as Friends….Lovers…..well wishers…………. And I will defiantly am going to stick to this thought process…………
I am unable to provide for my son today……Good for nothing Father……………….
“A Bastard Son to a father and a bastard father to a son”
Iam broken somewhere and I cant fix it………..
They say love cures it all………… and I say love starts it all………………………..
What’s love……….. till the time you are giving in its love…..once u use a harsh word “check the love out then DUDE”…………………………………………………..
Instantly the love and affection takes a back seat and the chat on “ORKUT” gets a kick start……………………………………………….
How easy it has become to find love now days….. It cost u 25 bucks an hour…….
I was always in love……….. With my mom dad….with my brother with my friends and with my best friend……..
Iam still in love with all of them…
Only today iam just responsible for my SON……………… iam the reason for him to breathe this air………. And I have to do everything to provide him……….
Today I agree to myself that no more I shall wish for anything for myself as it takes me away from my duties and responsibilities…………………………………………
Anyways iam not wanted enough so nothing can possibly deviate me from my Responsibilities…..
From the angel eyes iam wanted…….. Iam JUST A BASTARD FATHER TO HIM…..
I will forget the physical and mental scars and emotional scars never happened as I possess no heart……
I don’t write Fancy words………
I don’t want an attractive blog………………....
Iam definitely not an INTELLECTUAL ARSEHOLE………………….
And i aint looking for a one night stand……………………………………………
I just so don’t BELONG TO THIS WORLD………………………………………
I want to cry and iam tired of crying alone…..
I don’t know the names of fancy artists or authors or books so I shall never have a real expensive love……………………………………………………
………………………..I want to BE and iam unable to BE……….i have lost my ~BEING ………………
Looking out from the window I see the world moving…………………someday the door shall open……………someday the breeze will calm me down….someday I shall see my SON happy and smiling in my arms………….and then I shall die in peace……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
My virtue and honour is my baby……………………………………………………..
I have to die to let him live……………………………………………………………
yet again i remember the truth someone told me some day......
I don’t know the names of fancy artists or authors or books so I shall never have a real expensive love……………………………………………………
………………………..I want to BE and iam unable to BE……….i have lost my ~BEING ………………
Looking out from the window I see the world moving…………………someday the door shall open……………someday the breeze will calm me down….someday I shall see my SON happy and smiling in my arms………….and then I shall die in peace……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
My virtue and honour is my baby……………………………………………………..
I have to die to let him live……………………………………………………………
yet again i remember the truth someone told me some day......
"Vipul you are a very unhappy man"
"you are used"
"you are not the kind of man a girl can take home to her father"
“A BASTARD son to a Father……A BASTARD Father to a son”
“A BASTARD son to a Father……A BASTARD Father to a son”